Belonging

Let's talk about Castilleja.

When I started in 6th grade, I had just left Sacred Heart where I had been going to school for 5 years. Little did I realize that I was in for an even longer journey at Casti.

I graduated last year as a "Seven Year Senior." This morning I returned as an alumna for the Tie Ceremony.

Looking around, saying hi to friends and teachers, and giving out pins to induct new freshman made me realize something. Castilleja has not only been my home for 7 years, but really my whole world.

Stepping back on campus today felt different. This past summer on my own little adventures and mentally preparing for this Gap Year and college, the world got a lot bigger. And so, returning today -- Castilleja felt small.

I'm not sure what it means. I've felt like I'm in limbo for a while now. I am neither a high school student like my senior friends nor a college freshman most of whom are starting classes now. So what am I? My home for seven years no longer seems to fit me.

I think that asking existential questions is in part the purpose of my gap year. I should be asking myself "what do I want in life?" and "what I can do to make the world a better place?" but right now the question on my mind is "where do I belong?"

Limbo and uncertainty in any aspect are disconcerting to live with, but I think that's what this year is for. It's for teaching me how to "lean in" to discomfort. Oximoronic at best, I feel nervous for this planned trip and what I know will certainly come and ready to jump into the unknown.

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